We scan the headlines so you don’t have to.

• Chris Brown releases the “I’m sorry” statement and — shocker! — does not actually apologize. [Radar]
• Kate Moss is reportedly with child. Probably also with cigarette. [Perez Hilton]
• The Simpsons premiered new opening credits for the first time in 19 years last night. No geek riots reported. [Pop Crunch]
• Internets FAIL! Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony didn’t break up on Valentine’s Day even though our laptops were reporting for months that they would. [The Superficial]
• Two less mouths to feed – Octomom is dumped by her publicists. [Gawker]
• Lindsay Lohan and her DJ friend skip out on Valentine’s hosting gig because of huge fight? Rinse, lather, repeat. [Perez Hilton]
• I kissed a girl and… enough of that now. Katy Perry cuddles with Paris’ cast-off Benji Madden. [People]
• Salma Hayek marries that rich guy Francois-Henri Pinault on V-Day. Now he too is thanking god for those boobs. [Pop Sugar]